by Valerie San Filippo
1. There are three types of tears: happy tears, onion tears, and tears that blurred the double yellow line as you drove home from the office.
2. Although many believe in the existence of happy tears, some scientists claim that they’re an expression of sadness by contrast. Happy, sad. Light, dark. That expanding feeling in your chest when you drive toward orange dusk and the radio is blasting and you sing like your voice can top the wind. A shared beige cubicle.
3. The average woman cries 30 to 60 times per year, for about six minutes at a time.
4. You listened to a “feminist” podcast that said you shouldn’t cry at work. If you did need to cry, you should run to the restroom, or out to your car where you wouldn’t make others feel “uncomfortable.”
5. Oddly enough, your average bathroom break took about six minutes.
6. Another fact about crying is that women have shallower tear ducts than men. This means it’s easier for women to cry, and harder for us to stop.
7. When you were little, your teacher told you “crying is for when your dog dies, not for when you’re doing badly on a test.”
8. You cried harder. You passed the test.
9. Adults used to say you were “sensitive.”
10. Now you worry they think you’re something else.
11. Your male supervisor sent you an email telling you to “go cry to your mommy” instead of bringing your problems to him.
12. This was the same supervisor who suggested you wear a bikini to work.
13. A study found that the smell of sad tears decreases sexual arousal in men.
14. Which doesn’t explain why you cry during sex.
15. But it does explain the behavior of your supervisor.
16. There are three types of tears: Sad tears, onion tears, and the tears that blurred the double yellow line as you drove away from the office that day for the last time.
17. Although many believe in the existence of happy tears, some scientists claim that they’re an expression of sadness by contrast. This claim was proven wrong when you drove toward orange dusk, and the radio was blasting, and you were singing like your voice could top the wind.